Anyone who's ever attempted to put a band together using classified ads or sites like Craigslist — or, frankly, used Craigslist at any time — knows that the people on there are crazy.
That's what's so intriguing about a recent Craigslist add titled "Pro rock vocals SEEKING PROFESSIONAL BAND" from Queens, New York, that's being shared in musicians groups on social media; people aren't sure if the outrageous ad is real or not.
Non-musicians will surely write it off as fraudulent — and true, the weird shirtless photo of the guy flexing is reason enough to think that — but if you've ever held open auditions, you know that musicians (especially "singers") really do get this out of touch with reality.
Remember, we're just a few months removed from the curious case of Threatin, the band that faked a fanbase to book a European tour, only to be surprised when no one showed up to the gigs and the idiotic scheme was exposed.
Dean, the "pro rock vocals" himself, brags in the first paragraph of his 1,027-word ad that he's "pretty much the best singer you have never heard. Better than Brian Johnson, better than Freddie Mercury." He goes on to tout his impressive accomplishments of performing over 250 gigs and singing in front of "3000 people 1989 and 1996 Lenin Stadium with band Kustom Kiev."
He quickly adds that he "only play with the best" and challenges cocksure musicians to "prove" their worth at auditions. "Spaces are limited," he notes. And what would a classified ad be without the familiar refrain of no patience for "amateur BS"?
One Facebook commenter noted that 250 gigs since 1975, when Dean says he began his career as a musical phenom, amounts to only "5 or 6 gigs a year."
In the ensuing paragraphs, Dean outlines a manifesto on the qualities that make a rockstar successful. He makes it clear that he will accept nothing less than a full commitment, warning interested parties that there will be "trial of fire" and probably no money for a long time.
"And please, do not waste time if you have girlfriend or family — the i know you are not serious about music and will never make successful," he adds.
Applicants must be "physically fit," like Dean, and substance abuse will not be tolerated. You must know at least 25 of Dean's songs by the first audition, and "be able to learn 85 cover songs quickly." Otherwise? You guessed it, don't bother contacting him.
Dean says the band rehearses three days a week — Monday, Wednesday and Friday — from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. with one 15-minute break at 2 p.m. to visit the vending machine in the lobby or the Exxon convenience store across the street. There will also be surprise "pop up" rehearsals (he doesn't explain why, which is probably part of the surprise) and mandatory twice-monthly band meetings with manager "Nikolai," who will also collect the "band dues every month $150."
Dean warns that rock and roll life isn't for every one, but he urges musicians to "show commitment...You still think this is a sleepaway camp for little girl?"
No, that much is clear.
We do not recommend applying.
Photo: Getty Images